1. Check the Decision
If it is your decision to divorce your partner then you need to be sure that you are doing the right thing. Ask yourself ‘what will happen if I go ahead?’ and also ‘what will happen if I don’t?’
Write a list of the things that you love/hate about your relationship. Is it your partner that is the problem or is the situation (e.g. working long hours, hobby taking up too much time, not going out on ‘dates’ any more). If it is the situation then try to do something about it before instigating something as final as a divorce.
If you did not instigate the break up of the relationship then you need to check that your partner is sure this is what they want.
If there is any doubt about the decision then it could be wise to consider contacting Relate.
2. Mediation
Mediation helps you to communicate better with your partner and gives you options:
- Ensure that divorce is the right option for you
- Additional time to think
- The opportunity to understand your partner’s point of view
- The arena to discuss alternatives
- Attain agreement on things that you both want/ don’t want
- Discuss compromises
- Get an objective point of view from a professional
- Negotiate decisions that are acceptable to both of you about some of the issues that are associated with divorce, such as children, property and finance.
Mediation is about directly negotiating your own decisions with the help of a third party. It is an alternative to solicitors negotiating for you or having decisions made for you by the courts. Entering mediation is always voluntary.
The Mediator will not make the decision for you but will help you to make a more informed decision.
For more information about mediation you can contact National Family Mediation.
3. Get a good solicitor
Once you have decided that divorce is the best option for you make sure that you get a good solicitor who specialises in family law. Ask your friends/work colleagues if they can recommend anyone – personal recommendations are always best.
If you don’t know anyone who can provide a recommendation then you can contact the Law Society or Resolution (formerly the Family Law Association) for a list of local solicitors.
The following websites contain practical advice about choosing a solicitor and good questions to ask before you hire your solicitor. www.divorceaid.co.uk and www.family-online.co.uk
4. Communication
Good communication is key. You need to be clear about what you expect from your partner and be able to communicate this to both your partner and your solicitor.
You may be angry, hurt or feeling guilty but it is important to keep the lines of communication with your partner open. Whilst you sometimes have little control over what happens you do have a choice about how you react to every situation. Exercise this choice and remain calm and civilised.
Be clear about what you want and make sure that you communicate this with everyone concerned. Make it clear what you will and will not tolerate from your ex. If there are things such as books, photographs and CD’s that have particular meaning to you then state that you want them.
Ensure that what you are communicating is being understood.
5. Forgiveness
160,000 marriages a year end in divorce so you are not alone.
The final stage of recovery is so simple yet many never realise it's importance. FORGIVE YOURSELF, AND FORGIVE YOUR EX. Forgive yourself for all the things you could have done, and forgive your ex for everything you wish he/she had done. No one marries with the intention of getting a divorce; however wise or poor the choice to divorce was - it's done. Going through a divorce is rough enough. If it haunts you for the rest of their life and prevents you from ever taking a risk again, then not only will you miss out, but someone else will too.
I wish I had known about Coaching when I got divorced. It would have been wonderful to have someone to talk to, someone impartial who could have helped me to assuage my feelings of guilt much earlier on in the process and to help me set my goals for the future.
I instigated the break up of my marriage and spent months feeling guilty, which stopped me from moving on. It was not until I forgave myself that I was able to start creating the life I wanted.
If you didn’t instigate the break up and you have checked that there is nothing that can be done to resolve your differences then you need to make sure that you are not blaming yourself for your partner leaving. Stop exploring the ‘what ifs’ and accept that your partner has moved on and that you have to do the same. When you make changes in your life do not make them based on what you think might have made a difference in your marriage, change them based on what will make you happy in your new situation.
Forgiveness will help you to move on more quickly. Harbouring feelings of resentment, anger, jealousy or hatred do not help anybody, least of all yourself. You can’t have these negative emotions and be happy at the same time so you need to forgive, adjust to your new single status and move on to the next stage of your life.
Think about the good things in your marriage and say ‘thank you’, these are part of who you are. Think about the bad things, learn from them, and put them away from you. Use your experiences as reference points for what you do and don’t want in future relationships.
6. Make sure the children understand
Reassure your children that they are not being divorced too and that both you and your ex partner still love them. Make sure that you make custody arrangements that are fair to everyone – don’t try and punish your ex by using the children as weapons.
Don’t ‘badmouth’ or argue with your ex in front of the children – it is not fair to try to influence them or make them feel bad about their other parent or to make them feel that they must bottle up their feelings for fear of upsetting one of you.
Ensure that the children know that you both love them. Be aware of their feelings and make sure that they know they can be open with you.
7. Family and Friends
Divorce can be hard on grandparents if they are suddenly deprived of regular contact with their grandchildren. Try to maintain a good relationship with your in-laws, as this will provide some stability into your children’s lives.
The break up of a relationship is also hard on mutual friends, who may feel that they have to decide between you. Some may want to keep both of you as friends and if this is the case then make sure that they are aware that you don’t have a problem with this and don’t complain about your ex when you are with these friends, as this will make them very uncomfortable.
For those friends who do take sides – if it is your side that they take don’t abuse their friendship and their sympathy by complaining about your ex every time you see them.
Act as you would like your ex to act – whether or not they do the same.
8. Regain your confidence
Confidence, after a divorce, can often be battered. Divorce Coaching can help you to rebuild your confidence and self-esteem by creating positive, active steps for moving forward.
Spend some time just thinking about yourself and what you want. Do you want to move house? Change jobs? Change your image?
Spend time pampering yourself – join a new gym, have a massage, get a new hairstyle – do something that is just for you and makes you feel good.
When you have been half of a couple for a long time you have often made compromises, maybe you gave up a dream, a career, or a hobby – think about the things you gave up and decide whether you want them now.
Learn to appreciate the extra ‘me’ time you have gained. Spend this time doing things that you want to do.
Learning to meditate or reading personal development books will also help
you to rebuild your confidence. I can recommend several books, details of which can be found on my website.
9. Restart your Life
Being alone after being in a marriage is scary and rediscovering yourself after a divorce can be the last thing on your mind but until you have done this it is difficult to move on.
Ask yourself – ‘What do I want to do?’ ‘What do I want to have?’ and ‘Who do I want to be?’
Imagine yourself two years from now – How do you feel? What are you doing? Imagine your ideal future. Write down a list of all the things you want do do/have and be. If you can’t see a positive future maybe you need to work with a Divorce Coach. Coaching helps to raise awareness of the opportunities that are available and to give you the confidence to ‘go for it’.
Take up new hobbies. This is a good way of getting out and meeting a new circle of friends.
Why not mix with other people who have been divorced and understand the emotions you are going through. Attend a divorce recovery workshop, set up a ‘divorce club’ or, if you are a parent, you could join Gingerbread
If you are local to Reading keep an eye on my website, as I am planning to run a workshops locally, starting in February 2008.
Look for the positives in every situation as you attract what you think most about. Change your focus away from problems and towards solutions. If things don’t go the way you hoped then learn from what went wrong and try something different. Henry Ford said – “Whether you think you can or you can’t, either way you are right”
You need to assume responsibility for your own happiness – you can’t rely on others to make you happy.
If you find that you need someone to provide you with inspiration and support then hire a Divorce Coach!
10. Your first steps
The first step to creating any change is deciding what you do want so that you have something to move towards. Look at where you are, where you want to be and what steps you want to take to move between the two. Whatever you do, make sure that you enjoy the journey.
Set yourself some Goals. Make sure that you set yourself at least one new challenge every week or every month. This could include anything from making a phone call to enquire about membership of a gym to moving house.
If you think that you might need some help with your journey then it is worth considering working with a Divorce Coach. A Divorce Coach can help you to clarify what you want, work with you to destroy any beliefs that are holding you back, support you on the journey, and hold you accountable for attaining your goals. A Divorce Coach will only have your interests at heart; the only agenda will be yours. A Divorce Coach will not be judgemental and will not give advice but will give you their undivided attention and ask you questions to stimulate your thinking. If you think you would like to work with a Divorce Coach but are not sure then contact me to book a free 30-minute discussion.
Annie O’Neill
Divorce Coach - New Horizons
Tel. 0118 958 5430 or 07778 597852
E-mail: annie.oneill@newhorizons.uk.com
www.newhorizons-divorcecoaching.co.uk
Need further advice?
Call Woolley & Co on 0800 3213832 or book a free initial telephone appointment with one of our lawyers.
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